Salmonella ‘Natural’ Addition to Meat, Says USDA

Salmonella has become so prevalent in our food supply that the USDA last week declared it a “natural” component of meat. The decision came after industry leader Carwill faced its fourth reprimand this month for contaminated ground turkey.

“Regulating these industries was costing U.S. taxpayers a fortune,” said USDA representative Nigel Wallens. “Salmonella and other natural bacteria enjoy a rich life in these factories, and the United States is not so tyrannical as to try and restrict the freedom of God’s creatures.”

Declaring salmonella a natural component of meat also eliminates any danger to the consumer, as precautions must always be taken to handle the meat carefully and thoroughly cook it, Wallens pointed out.

“Eating pink or raw meat is a disgusting practice, and having salmonella present in meat acts as a pertinent reminder to consumers to thoroughly cook all meats,” he said.

According to Carwill spokesman Bill Barton, the company has always fought a losing battle with the “naturally and randomly occurring bacteria which exist throughout our environment.”

“Try raising nine thousand chickens in your backyard shed without getting E coli or salmonella all over them,” he said. “It’s impossible. So yes, salmonella is definitely a natural component of meat given that all our meat is produced this way.”