NASA to Touch the Sun

Posted: 2017-06-01 in Uncategorized

NASA has announced its first mission to touch the sun in the summer of 2018. Construction is underway on the USS Mitty, a 10-meter-long, four-man spaceship that is the first of its kind.

The Mitty‘s hull is designed to withstand temperatures of up to 27 million degrees Fahrenheit, making it a marvel of modern engineering. The silicone-treated, heavily insulated material will protect the crew members from the extreme heat of the sun as finalsunthe ship approaches, then touches, the sun.

The material was tested widely on smaller operations such as Earth oven muffin retrieval before being selected for this mission.

Scientists decided to launch the Mitty during the hottest part of the sun’s cycle–summer–to fully test the material, despite the risk it poses to the crew. One scientist cited the time-sensitive nature of sun operations for the accelerated mission speed.

“If the Mitty stands up to touching the sun, then we can start looking at our deeper goals–to retrieve the sun during its ‘done’ phase,” said one NASA scientist.

The mission should launch in August of 2018. A second, retrieval mission will take place when the sun approaches its “done” cycle, which should take place in four to five billion years, give or take 10 minutes.


The Blackout Approach to Combating Climate Change

Posted: 2017-04-19 in Uncategorized

Recently, there’s a new approach to combating global warming. And it hasn’t gained much press because–well, that’s the idea.

In the 1990s, researchers became increasingly alarmed about global warming. They found a strong correlation between carbon dioxide emissions and global surface temperatures. Now, scientists have discovered a new correlation–one that is even stronger than CO2 and rising temperatures on a global scale. The new threat? Increased coverage of global warming in newspapers, magazines, scientific publications, television programs, and other media outlets. Research has revealed that increased coverage of climate change issues was accompanied by a drastic increase of those same issues. By projecting from current rates, scientists realized that future high coverage of climate change issues could increase global surface temperatures by as much as four degrees by 2100.



Worse, “coverage of new climate change threats–polar ice cap depletion, thawing permafrost, more droughts, less snowpack–is also strongly correlated with the occurrence of these threats,” revealed a recent press release from the group Conservative Science.

Luckily, the solution is simpler than the numerous cost-prohibitive strategies offered by liberal fake scientists. By blacking out global warming coverage and research, researchers expect to see a corresponding drop-off in global surface temperatures and related climate change events. The most recent United States presidential administration has the situation well in hand, cutting off climate change at its source: the EPA website, so-called “cutting-edge” research done in laboratories throughout the nation, and NASA’s expensive climate change research program. By tackling climate change at its source, the problem–much like the lion advancing on the hapless ostrich–should simply go away once we bury our heads in the sand deeply enough.


Spend Less Time Sitting, with the Horizontal Chair

Posted: 2017-02-16 in Uncategorized

Man lying in bed on a lazy dayScience has spoken, and sitting is bad. It’s more dangerous to your health than smoking, Cheesy Poofs, and even a full-blown nuclear attack on the nation. Why? Because the human body is not designed for sitting. It is designed for two things: running away from hyenas, and sleeping.

To fulfill our deep-rooted biological needs, the new Horizontal Chair, developed by scientists through years of hard science, fulfills the body’s need to be prone. Health scientists in particular recommend lying prone for at least 8 hours each day/night cycle. By incorporating lying prone into your normal workday, you’ll find time to do more non-prone activities in the night hours, such as running from hyenas. Hyenas are much more likely to prowl during the night, so this aligns the human circadian rhythm more closely to its natural state.

Although the new Horizontal Chair is more expensive than a normal office chair, the hours you spend prone at your desk will benefit both your mental and physical health. It also improves productivity, too.

“Since replacing our old office chairs with Horizontal Chairs, workers are happier, more well-rested, and even more productive than ever before,” said Mike Evans, CEO of Giant Corp. “I have no idea how it makes them more productive, considering they are all sleeping at their desks, but my chief advisor showed me some very convincing statistics on a chart with lots of different colors, right before he sleepily–and happily, I add–wandered back to his desk and his own brand-new Horizontal Chair.”

Horizontal Chairs are available in most department stores. And–if you live in a small town that won’t see the latest technology innovation for some time to come–try this simple, DIY solution: the bed.

On the heels of the discovery of the world’s smallest steam engine, the steampunk movement has jumped out of the realm of science fiction into reality.

Moments after the discovery, thirty-two individuals at a steampunk convention in Atlanta had blown each other to pieces using weapons cobbled together from 3 phonographs, 22 alarm clocks, and a bucket of antifreeze. In San Diego, a single man equipped with a steam-powered mechanical arm laid waste to nine blocks of department stores.

So far, the steam-powered revolution has caused an estimated 7,460 deaths worldwide.

“It’s devastating, absolutely devastating,” said Ken Williams, a Victorian studies major and former proponent of steampunk who now supports conventional armaments. “I’d never imagined the damage these weapons could cause.”

Further abroad, a woman in a vehicle based upon H.G. Wells’s time machine traveled to Ancient Egypt and came back with the locations of several lost tombs of pharaohs. Early Sunday morning in Yemen, a man wearing a jetpack outfitted with glowing green tubes, seemingly random gears, and a miniature steam engine broke the previous land speed recordĀ  of Mach 8.5

The United States military has already commissioned more than ten thousand pairs of steampunk goggles from defense contractor Prett & Whitney. The new goggles enable night-vision, the ability to see through walls, and “look really wicked,” reported our contact in the Pentagon.

So-called crazy ants — tiny, numerous ants that are invading sites across Texas and Florida — have made their move on NASA‘s Johnson Space Center in Houston, Texas. The ants escaped from a military robotics facility earlier this year, feasting on electricity and increasing in number as they absorb power from houses and businesses across the southern United States. Now, they’re attacking NASA’s computer hardware in an effort to take over not only the Earth, but other worlds, according to NASA scientist William Jones.

“These ants have absorbed all of the electrical equipment they’ve touched — whether computers or microwaves — and harnessed the power of today’s technology. When they were found at Johnson Space Center, we realized the implications immediately. The crazy ants consider Earth conquered, and they’re hoping to take over other worlds by employing the power of NASA’s space program.”

Pesticides and other routine methods of insecticide have no effect on the crazy ant, which creates a tiny electrical field around each ant that protects it from sprays and other hazards. On the rare occasion when a crazy ant is killed, its titanium parts and electrical power are absorbed by surrounding ants, making the colony stronger. The only hope, according to Jones, is that the ants will take over NASA’s space program and seek new worlds to spread their kind.

“It’s a harsh verdict, but perhaps it’ll be better in the long run if the crazy ants take over the NASA facilities. That way, they can peaceably head off for other worlds and leave us alone,” said Jones.

Salmonella has become so prevalent in our food supply that the USDA last week declared it a “natural” component of meat. The decision came after industry leader Carwill faced its fourth reprimand this month for contaminated ground turkey.

“Regulating these industries was costing U.S. taxpayers a fortune,” said USDA representative Nigel Wallens. “Salmonella and other natural bacteria enjoy a rich life in these factories, and the United States is not so tyrannical as to try and restrict the freedom of God’s creatures.”

Declaring salmonella a natural component of meat also eliminates any danger to the consumer, as precautions must always be taken to handle the meat carefully and thoroughly cook it, Wallens pointed out.

“Eating pink or raw meat is a disgusting practice, and having salmonella present in meat acts as a pertinent reminder to consumers to thoroughly cook all meats,” he said.

According to Carwill spokesman Bill Barton, the company has always fought a losing battle with the “naturally and randomly occurring bacteria which exist throughout our environment.”

“Try raising nine thousand chickens in your backyard shed without getting E coli or salmonella all over them,” he said. “It’s impossible. So yes, salmonella is definitely a natural component of meat given that all our meat is produced this way.”

Scientists were embarrassed to admit that the mysterious orange goo found on the Alaskan Coast was not eggs, as declared last week.

“Um… yeah… well…” said Joseph Willerman, a scientist who previously said the goo was “probably eggs.” He shuffled nervously during a Sunday morning interview before proclaiming “Turns out it wasn’t eggs.”

So what is the mysterious substance? Scientists now believe it belongs to the fungus family.

“It’s probably a fungus of some sort,” said Willerman, staring at his toes, his cup of coffee, and anywhere but this reporter’s eyes. “We’re not really sure what sort, though.”

If anyone has any knowledge of what the mysterious fungus might be, Willerman urged them to contact any scientist in Alaska and please let them know.

This ongoing story, now bolstered by the headline “Some Mystery Still Remain,” has now been entered in the Guinness Book of World Records in three categories: Dumbest News Story, Worst Science Ever, and Most Grammatically Incorrect Headline.